All of Your January 6 Questions Answered

In the aftermath of the tragic events of 9/11, Congress created a bi-partisan Commission led by former New Jersey Republican Governor Thomas Kean to investigate the circumstances surrounding the attack and how to prevent a recurrence. With that precedent in mind, the House of Representatives has approved the establishment of a similar commission, with 35 Republicans voting in favor, to probe the January 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol during the normally mundane process of certifying the Electoral College vote for the election of Joe Biden as our next president. But the chances of garnering 10 Senate Republicans to vote in favor are about as likely as achieving herd immunity against Covid.

So what’s the deal? Don’t Americans want to know what caused the riot and what can be done to guard against future threats to our Democracy? To help those of you who remain confused, here are the questions and answers that will help bring clarity.

What is the basis of the Republicans’ objections?

They are concerned that the investigation will examine the statements of President Trump inciting the riot and believe the Democrats will use them to prove that Trump did, in fact, incite the riot.

A Republican Congressman from Georgia claimed the footage was misleading and compared the riot to a “normal tourist event.”

Sure, if a normal visit includes an unruly armed mob at the Capitol dressed as extras from Braveheart, sending elected representatives fleeing for their lives, urinating in the Speaker’s office and looking to lynch the Vice President.

What’s up with the guy in the face paint and fur horned helmet?

Although mistakenly identified as “Q Shaman,” a conspiracy theorist from Arizona, he was actually an Antifa activist posing as a Trump loyalist who is a supporter of the Green New Deal.

Why is Mitch McConnell, who condemned Trump’s actions on that day, so opposed to finding the truth?

While McDonnell realizes that much of the Republican base still adores Trump, he also knows that nobody actually likes him.

What about Black Lives Matter and Antifa? Shouldn’t they also be investigated?

While many peaceful protests in the wake of George Floyd’s killing unfortunately turned violent, none of them were intended to create an insurrection to overturn the electoral process or to pose the greatest threat to democracy since Confederate General P.G.T. Beauregard led a group of “tourists” to Fort Sumter in April 1861.

So, are the election results still in doubt?

Despite the farcical processes of conducting audits of the results in Maricopa County, Arizona and Fulton County, Georgia, Joe Biden is and will remain the president. Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter and Facebook, is working on his golf game and is hoping to revive The Apprentice. Plans for a Presidential Library are on hold until he actually reads a book.

What can we expect from here?

Did somebody say “indictment?” With NY Attorney General Letitia James and Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr. closing in, Trump is reportedly looking to take up residence in a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S. While Kazakstan has its charms, look for a place with a Putin-friendly leader and in need of another failing golf course. Belarus. Where dictatorship is not just a pastime, it is a way of life. Alexander Lukashenko. Now there’s a guy who can really fix an election.