DJT’s Diary
October 19, 2019
Dear Diary,
It was another typical day of craziness in the WH. First, my acting Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, supposedly said that, of course, we withheld aid from Ukraine until they agreed to investigate crazy discredited theories about the source of supposed Russian interference in my historic election and the role of those Lyin’ Bidens in that country’s corruption. Well, don’t believe those tapes that are being used by the fake news media in which he sorta, kinda does say that. Being the good man he is, and after a solid scolding, he revealed the actual truth, that there was no quid quo pro.
You all know that, being the stable genius I am, I went to the finest schools. But at my alma mater, the New York Military Academy, they didn’t teach us Latin. But I asked my totally hot daughter, Ivanka, who studied Latin at a fancy girls school in New York City, what it meant. She told me it means “put it directly in my pocket.” Of course, I would never say that, so I guess I am off the hook.
What I did learn at NYMA is how to use my strict military training to avoid getting mixed up in a foreign war. You know, at that time, Viet Nam was a nasty place, lots of guys in conehead hats trying to shoot Americans in the middle of the jungle. VERY UNFAIR. Although I wanted to serve my country, daddy’s doctor detected bone spurs in my left (or was it my right?) heel. So, instead, I dedicated myself to building beautiful housing in my home borough of Queens, open to all, as long as you were white. PATRIOTIC!
Then, wouldn’t you know it, I sent my favorite lapdogs, Pence and Pompeo, off to save the world. They convinced Erdogan to stop killing the Kurds, who have long pretended to be our friends, and he agreed, despite achieving only 95% of his objectives. Saved MILLIONS OF LIVES. Did anyone mention the words NOBEL PEACE PRIZE?
Finally, there was the momentous announcement that we would hold the next G-7 meeting at my very own Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami. It really wasn’t my idea, but after our last meeting, in dreary old France, Trudeau, Macron and the rest of them pleaded with me to host the next session there, saying they heard the weather is perfect in Miami in the middle of the summer. Angela herself said that the spa reminds her of Baden-Baden, and she looks forward to getting a facial. But I doubt that even my expertly-trained TOTALLY LEGAL immigrants can do anything with that face!
Well, of course the radical socialist Democrats immediately mentioned the emoluments clause and my response was that we have the greatest burgers in the world at the Doral, and the guests can put whatever emoluments they want on them; ketchup, mustard, etc., as long as they have the Trump brand on the label. Besides, you know I don’t make any money out of any of this since it is all charged at cost. Luckily, Don Jr. and Eric, who really run the place (wink, wink), set the costs and doctor (um, oversee) the books.
But, how much good can even I do for the country in one day? I have already spent too much time writing this entry, and I am missing watching my lawyer Rudy babble incoherently on the talk shows. Then again, there is always tomorrow and the next day and the next day for that.
Til next time,
DT
