John Wilkes Biden
Conspiracy theorists are falling over themselves trying to blame President Joe Biden for the assassination attempt on the life of Donald Trump at a campaign rally in Western Pennsylvania over the weekend. But, so far, law enforcement officials conducting the investigation have failed to even come up with a motive for the 20 year old loner’s attack, much less any association between him and Biden. The incongruity between the accusers’ claim that Biden is of such feeble mind and body that he cannot form a coherent thought and the notion that he is behind a plot to snuff out the once and future President, is not explained.
Although so far failing to find any connection between Biden and the near tragedy, some conspiracy theorists now aver that the President was actually the mastermind behind the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln in 1865. Trump himself has intimated such a link stating: “President Lincoln was maybe the SECOND GREATEST leader in our nation’s history and, as we all know, he was the first REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT! You know, he freed the slaves, the same slaves whose descendants are running so fast to vote for me, it’s not even funny.”
Trump went on: “you know why Blacks run so fast? They had to run fast to escape their DEMOCRATIC slaveowners. And in a few weeks, we will see a lot of them race to glory at the Olympics in Paris. And many of them will have USA across their chests because this is the greatest country in the world and many want to live here because the countries they come from in Africa are s**thole countries. And they can’t vote for me there.”
When asked how an 81 year old man could have been involved in an event that occurred 159 years ago, Trump spokesman Steven Cheung replied: “did you see that debate? The man across the stage was so pathetic that he couldn’t possibly be a mere 81 years old. We have proof that his actual birth certificate shows he was born November 20, 1839 in Kenya (oh, wrong guy and wrong birth certificate).”
Cheung went on: “are you aware that there were hundreds of people in Ford’s Theatre who saw what really happened the night Lincoln was killed, and not one of them is alive today? Do you think that is a coincidence?”
Cheung verified that this is not the end of it. When Trump is reelected, the new administration will continue to investigate Biden’s likely roles in the Stock Market Crash of 1929, the Great Chicago Fire, the Black Sox Scandal, the death of Elvis and the discovery of Barry Manilow.
The Biden Campaign refused to respond to the charge that the President tried to have Trump killed. It merely turned a deaf ear to all the noise.
