Love Letter to a Boycrush

Dearest Vlad,

I know how it feels to have the whole world against you. Just because you are trying to take what is rightfully yours in Ukraine, the fake leaders try to isolate you with their weak economic sanctions and hollow threats. But I too know what it is like to be a victim, in my case, of a stolen election that robbed me of my legacy as the GREATEST! American president. In your case, they want to take away your well-deserved dacha and the billions (maybe even more than mine) you have rightfully earned as the esteemed leader of your people.

I much admire how much you are loved by the Russian people for your brave and savvy move into Ukraine. You were obviously inspired by the pathetic actions of my supposed successor in withdrawing the U.S. from Afghanistan. And while I have backtracked on my initial praise for your actions, between you and me, we know that you never would have been acted so aggressively if I had not had my reelection stolen from me. You are so smart in detecting this weekness and the fact that Biden and his European weakling pals will eventually crack and you will have your Ukraine reward.

I can only envy your boldness and success in crushing your phony political opposition in a fair and even-handed manner. How I wish that I could have dealt with Hillary (LOCK HER UP!!!!) and her band of criminals in the way you did with Navalny (although a hunger strike might do her some good in shedding a few pounds (ha, ha)). But, instead, I must deal with a political vendetta that wants to put me in jail for my old financial shenanigans and trying to find a few votes in Georgia. How fair is that?

We all know that Biden’s only interest in Ukraine is to retain its corrupt regime and to find a job for Hunter (lol). If only that comedian Zelensky had cooperated with me, both of our lives would have been easier. For now, you must hang tough and don’t let a few peasants with crossbows spoil your plans. Soon I will be back in my rightful place, and we can begin to discuss our mutual interests. For you, restored Russian control of Eastern Europe and, for me, Trump hotels and golf courses in St. Petersburg and Vladivostok.

Most of all, Vlad, I know how much you need a friend right now and I am proud to say that I am yours. Melania and I wish you the best, and we are looking forward to meeting you again in better times. Perhaps a foursome? Me and Carlson against you and Lukashenko? The rules? Whatever you can get away with.

With Warmest Regards,

Donald