The Covid Guide to Epic Cinema
Okay, so forced isolation has many of you watching (or rewatching) the memorable TV shows of the last twenty years, not least: The Sopranos, Mad Men, The Wire, Breaking Bad, and paying homage to every haircut Jennifer Aniston’s character Rachel wore on Friends. So, what now? You may be tempted to search out the epic movies you probably watched as kids, not remembering how excruciatingly long and boring many of them were. In the interest of sparing you from inflicting more torture on yourselves in these troubled times, I have compiled a guide to a few such “classics” that will spare you from any perceived need to actually watch them in an effort to fight off insomnia.
Ben Hur
A pre-NRA spokesman Charlton Heston plays Judah Ben-Hur, a Jewish prince in Biblical times who undergoes countless humiliations at the hands of the Roman occupiers of Jerusalem (would anyone actually row crew after watching this movie?) before his family is cured of leprosy and he sees the Divine Light. Heston comes to realize that a gun would have been handy against Roman spears.
Best scene: The chariot race.
Worst scenes: Everything else.
Plot spoiler: Jesus Saves.
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
This John Huston-directed marathon stars Humphrey Bogart as one of three American drifters dragging their burros across the mountains while seeking gold in an untamed Mexico and figuring out how to kill each other for their shares.
Best Scene: Gold Hat, the head of the Mexican banditos posing as Federales, sneering at Bogie: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!”
Worst scene: Walter Huston dances a jig upon discovering the Mother Lode.
Plot spoiler: A dust storm blows the gold away.
It’s a Wonderful Life
James Stewart as George Bailey, who can’t seem to get out of his miserable town, but comes to realize he is the only hope to counter a cruel alternative Hobbesian world run by Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore).
Best scene: George screaming on the phone at his daughter’s stupid teacher (a Covid fantasy for these online learning times).
Worst scene: Bert and Ernie serenade George and Mary on their wedding night.
Plot spoiler: The first local GoFundMe drive saves the day.
Lawrence of Arabia
Peter O’Toole portrays T.E. Lawrence, the man who made the Middle East safe for British colonialism by both befriending and slaughtering many Arabs.
Best scene: The surprise raid on Aqaba.
Worst scene: O’Toole as a Christ-figure riding a camel.
Plot spoiler: Motorcycles kill.
Gone With the Wind
Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O’Hara, the last of the Southern Belles, who tries to save a benevolent version of slavery while pining for wimpy Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard) when she can have Rhett Butler (Clark Gable). Co-stars many stereotypical African-Americans as happy slaves.
Best scene: Atlanta burns.
Worst scene: “As God is my witness.”
Plot Spoiler: The South loses.
Doctor Zhivago
A poet-doctor (Omar Sharif) tries to survive the Russian Revolution while balancing his home life with his serial pursuit of his mistress, Lara (Julie Christie) while “Somewhere My Love” ubiquitously plays in the background.
Best scene: Saber-wielding military trample idealistic young marchers in non-violent demonstration (or how to break up a peaceful crowd with federal troops).
Worst Scene: Geraldine Chaplin, barefoot and pregnant, as Mother Russia.
Plot spoiler: Lots of snow. The Bolsheviks win.
The Ten Commandments
Heston again, in his Biblical glory, as Moses, who learns his true identity and leads the slaves out of an Egypt run by Yul Brynner as Rameses II while talking directly to God, played by the Burning Bush.
Best scene: Parting of the Red Sea.
Worst scene: The Hebrews hold a rave party around the Golden Calf.
Plot spoiler: Many Egyptians drown but Hebrews stopped short of the Promised Land (anti-immigrant message).
There you have it. Since you don’t have to waste hours dozing off in front of the TV viewing these snorers, you can now spend your time vacuuming your own house, home-schooling your kids and watching soccer played without spectators. You can bore your kids by telling them: “they don’t make them like they used to.” They sure don’t.
