The Gospel According to Donald
It was decreed in those days, during the reign of Joseph of Scranton, that an Election shall take place. But Joseph the Doddering was nowhere to be found, and an angel appeared to the one called Kamala and announced to her that she “is destined to take up the sword of Joseph and lead the fight against he who was called Trump,” the One who promised Retribution against his foes and to smite all of those who dared to try to bring him to Justice.
But there were many who worshipped MAGA and they were bound by the fear of the Great I’s: Immigration and Inflation. And they went in droves to their towns to cast their ballots. In places called Michigan and Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Nevada, buoyed by the promise of the Resurrection of the Working Man.
And the Faithful were gathered in their flocks on Election Night lorded over by right wing pundits who preached the Good News. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for at least some of the people. Today in a place called Mar-a-Lago, you will find a Man dressed in Brioni with a tie too long who will Make America Great Again.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising Trump and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on Earth Peace to those on whom Trump’s favor rests.”
And such favor rested most upon those who are truly the Wisest (i.e. Richest). From East and West, North and South, they descended upon Palm Beach to pledge devotion to Trump and to receive his Blessing. And, although they brought great Bags of Money as gifts, they knelt and received their rewards in turn. Power and Glory were bestowed upon Elon and Vivek, Howard and Linda, the likes of which the world has never seen. And those who once doubted came into the fold: Jeff B. and Mark Z., ponying up in hopes of escaping the coming wrath.
And Trump proclaimed, “the Rich shall inherit the Earth and unto them shall come Greater Wealth than ever before seen. Crypto shall reign supreme and Tax Cuts galore shall be their bounty. I shall levy unprecedented Tariffs that will pay for it all, or not, and bring all of the other nations of the Earth under my heel.”
And all who heard it were amazed at what he said to them. The Faithful rejoiced, glorifying and praising Trump for all the things they had heard and seen, which were not exactly as they had been told.
(Apologies to St. Luke).