The Only Holiday Gift Guide You Need

While the number of the stubbornly unvaccinated remains way too high, but the number of cases more or less holding steady, the anticipation of the second Covid Holiday Season had offered great hope of a return to our traditional seasonal joy. Family Thanksgiving gatherings were again in fashion, the Macy’s Parade offered its ode to conspicuous consumption and the Nutcracker and the Rockettes are back. What could go wrong?

Well, a Grinch named “Omicron” raised its ugly head and cast an aura of gloom over the impending celebrations. Booster shots became the instant favorite on Christmas lists and holiday travel plans are once more in doubt. But we Americans are an optimistic bunch, and we shouldn’t let another (ho hum) wave of this intrepid pandemic stop Christians from commemorating the Birth of Jesus or Jews the successful revolt of the Macabees in the traditional way: giving tons of presents.

Let’s face it, though, this holiday season would not be complete if we do not recognize the special place Covid now has in our lives and the chaotic political world we live in. We shouldn’t revert to our old giving habits (how many pairs of argyle socks can Grandpa possibly need or pairs of pajamas can kids get before turning them into lifetime cynics?) but should strive to find more meaning in our gift giving. For this reason I offer you this handy gift guide that can enable us to show our generosity to our loved ones without ignoring the reality of these tumultuous times.

BinaxNOW. Imagine the look of joy that will appear on your little ones’ faces when they dig past the Twizzlers and chocolate Santas in their stockings and find these easy-to-use Covid home testing kits. A video of playful Jared jamming a cotton swab up his sister Esmeralda’s nose will brighten up your holiday memories for years to come.

Instant Pregnancy Test. What could be more appropriate in the coming post-Roe world than a method to detect a potential bundle of joy at the precise moment of conception? Especially useful for your college age daughters and irksome mistresses. (Act fast: supplies may be limited in Texas and Mississippi).

High Capacity Gun Magazines. Especially welcome to gun lovers in California, where a federal appeals court upheld that state’s ban on these weapons of war. Imagine trying to defend your home or your loved ones without them!

How to Cheat at Golf. This delightful book will cheer every golfer in your life by teaching them the art of kicking the ball out of the woods, nudging it to a better spot and using a foot wedge to address a difficult lie. (Special introduction by ex-President Trump).

Managing Your Household Expenses. A transcript of the popular Podcast featuring current and former members of Congress offering their tried and true methods of how they make the government run without the pesky task of reconciling its checkbook every month.

Coal in Their Stockings. An old favorite, but now subsidized by an allocation in the federal budget offered by West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin to help keep miners employed in his home state.

The United States Constitution. A priceless, frequently unread founding document to send to legislators in states where “Voting Rights” mean fewer polling sites, limits on early voting, burdensome voter ID laws, and purges of voter rolls.

Bail. Especially useful for Steve Bannon and others resisting a thorough investigation of the January 6 insurrection.

I hope you found this guide useful for those last minute gifts for everyone on your list. Think of all the time you’ll save not poring through the 5000 best sweaters on Amazon.com and making Jeff Bezos even richer. And, if you are still undecided about what to get me, just send me all the money you won’t be sending to him.