The Year of Living Dangerously
Sick of 2021? You are not alone. In just a few short days, this wretched year will be finally put out of its misery. We started with the Big Lie of a stolen election leading to a violent insurrectionist mob storming one of our most sacred symbols of government and attempting to thwart our unique history of peaceful transfers of power. Then came Covid and more Covid, wildfires, floods and vicious storms, all related to climate change, and threatening our very existence. Voting rights are becoming an oxymoron, women’s abilities to control decisions about their own bodies are under threat, but still any moron can own a weapon of war with an unfettered license to use it in “self defense.”
On the bright side, while vaccines did not totally solve the pandemic they offer great hope in managing our worst fears and mitigating the death threat that permeated the early days of its grip. Justice was served in a few noteworthy criminal trials in which the perpetrators of several horrific murders of Black men were held accountable for their crimes. And a spectator-free Olympics offered a spectacle of transcendent performances despite displaying the frailties of several seemingly super-human performers who withdrew from major events for the sake of their own mental health.
So what will 2022 bring? Once again, I will put my perfect record of past predictions on the line and venture to forecast the major world events of the coming year.
January. Russian President Vladimir Putin amasses 175,000 troops on the eastern border of Ukraine and then announces the celebration of “Slavic Unity Day” with recently released political dissident Aleksei Navalny at his side.
February. China hosts the Winter Olympics despite concerns about its human rights record. Tennis player Peng Shuai opened the ceremonies by lighting the Olympic torch while bearing a sign stating, “he only sexually assaulted me with my consent.”
The Green Bay Packers, led by anti-vaxxer quarterback Aaron Rodgers, win Super Bowl LVI over the Kansas City Chiefs. Because of Covid protocols, the game is played with severely reduced rosters as 7v7 flag football.
March. The Academy Awards are dominated by Don’t Look Up, a dystopian tale of Earth’s imminent destruction by a comet that no one wants to take seriously. Former President Trump praised the performance of Meryl Street as a President who would prefer to ignore the whole thing. “That’s just how I would have handled it,” the Orange One gloated.
April. The Major League Baseball season opens with New York Mets owner Steven A. Cohen declaring that he would run the team like his hedge fund. “If following the rules doesn’t bring success, we will ignore them,” Cohen declares.
May. The Congressional January 6 Commission issues its final report concluding that the mob that tried to disrupt the affirmation of President Joe Biden’s election believed that they were acting at Donald Trump’s direction. Trump’s incredulous response was: “who in their right minds would listen to me?”
June. The meme stock GameShop reaches a new market high when the company announces that it is changing its name to The GamesStopped. “When it no longer has any revenues or even a business, there will be no limit to its share price,” one follower on Reddit’s subreddit r/wallstreetbets crowed.
July. Elon Musk announces that he will sell his entire stake in Tesla and take a one-way trip to Mars. Virgin Atlantic founder Richard Branson says “Musk will do anything to be the first,” as he announced his own plans to travel to Venus.
August. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis designates Covid as the official state virus. In his statement, DeSantis cited Floridians’ determination to die rather than submit to governmental tyranny.
September. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene declares that the upcoming mid-term elections will be the most important since “Hitler took over the Reichstag.” Aspiring House Speaker Kevin McCarthy refuses to denounce Greene, saying: “I don’t think she meant that Hitler.”
October. Vladimir Putin wins the Nobel Peace Prize. The Mets win the World Series.
November. The Republicans handily win the House of Representatives while the Democrats extend their Senate majority by two seats. Speaker-to-be McCarthy credits the “great work” of Representative Greene in the victory while Senator Joe Manchin laments becoming the “most irrelevant man in America.”
December. The Supreme Court outlaws Covid, overturns Roe v. Wade and allows Texas to name the AR-15 “America’s Gun.” Newsmax declares Justice Amy Coney Barrett its “Woman of the Year.
Well, that’s it for the predictions. Anyone who doubts my prescience can just look up my record. After all, I was the one who called Dewey over Truman, the Rabbit beating the Hare and the Trojans over the Greeks. Oh wait…