The Year So Far
It is only February but 2024 already seems old as the headlines get crazier and crazier. It is a Presidential election year in which the vast majority of voters are against either of the likely major party candidates being on the ballot. Conspiracy theories abound, not least about the political leanings of a certain mega-pop star, and Congress fiddles while Rome burns as proposed legislation is consistently held captive by the extreme elements of partisanship, especially from the lunatic right.
While many voters act like ostriches with their heads in the sand until the election looms near, many of you on both sides have been closely following all the current news, fake or not. To prove how much you really are in touch with world events, take the challenge by indicating whether the following headlines are true or false.
1. Democrats Accede to a Deal Republicans Demanded to Increase Border Security, Only to Have Republicans Vote It Down
True_____
False ____
Answer: True
Republicans responded to the urging of The Trumpinator by blocking even an action they agree with that may make his expected opponent look good.
2. Taylor Swift Spotted Calling Kansas City Chiefs Offensive Plays By Relaying Hyperkinetic Messages to Boyfriend Travis Kelce
True____
False____
Answer: True
Of course this is true, as all Swifties know that their idol secretly controls the Universe, demonstrated by the fact that her music has the power to annihilate her former boyfriends who have wronged her in any way.
3. Barbie Brings Sex Discrimination Action Against The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Over Oscar Snubs For the Director and Star of Her Movie
True____
False____
Answer: False
Barbie is a doll and has no jurisdiction to sue anyone. Although, if a corporation can be considered a person by the Supreme Court, why can’t a toy?
4. Disney Settles Dispute with DeSantis by Agreeing to Create an “It’s a MAGA World” Exhibit at its Theme Parks
True:___
False___
Answer: False
In a statement, Disney senior management announced that its popular long time feature “It’s a Small World” already sufficiently represents the movement.
5. Trump Claims Melania’s Absence From Campaign Trail Is Due to Her Support of Stay At Home Moms
True___
False:___
Answer: False
Melania Trump is actually a cyborg who, if she were capable of human emotions, would admit she hates her husband.
6. Putin Claims That He Invaded Ukraine So He Could Stop the War and Win the Nobel Peace Prize
True___
False___
Answer: False
As Stalin famously said: “The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of a million is a statistic.”
7. Republicans Elect Mike Johnson Speaker for Life
True___
False___
Answer: False
He was actually named Speaker for the Week
8. Caitlin Clark For God
True___
False___
Answer: True
The Iowa Hawkeye All American and reigning women’s Player of the Year actually is God as her prodigious scoring skills, unconscionable assessment of her shooting range and schoolyard attitude make her nonpareil.
9. Nikki Haley Gains AARP Endorsement
True___
False___
Answer: True
The advocate for the nation’s retired persons declared that both Trump and Biden are too old even for them and strongly urges both to retire to take advantage of the organization’s many benefits.
10. Elon Musk Merges Tesla and X
True___
False___
Answer: True
In his announcement on X, Musk proclaimed that his self-driving cars will allow X users to spend more time spreading false and racist information according to true First Amendment principles.
Well, that’s it. If you got 0–2 correct, you should get off Fortnite and have a beer with your next door neighbor.
3–5. Too much Instagram is stunting your brain.
6–8. You are almost conscious.
9–10. You can give Siri a run.
In any case, keep at it: real news, fake news, deep fakes, alternative news. Anything to stay informed. After all, truthiness is what makes America great.
